I kept quiet the whole drive home, not having any idea about how things were going to be from now on. All I could think about was how Chris would probably again just say that nothing had happened, even though at the hospital, he claimed the opposite.
Something was telling me that it wouldn't work out anyway. I was definitely not ready to be out at school. Actually, I didn't even know for sure that I was gay. I was helpless in my own thoughts, confused and, most of all, terrified, knowing how good it felt to be near him. I didn't want to feel anything at all around him because he was a guy, but that didn't make me want him – to touch me, to kiss me – any less. I wanted him, yet I kept fighting with myself and hating myself for it.
When he was with me, it was like a rush of electricity, it was like experiencing the strangest high ever. The way my mind worked around him was nothing like how I thought when I was alone. I couldn't be with him properly because I was so not ready to have a relationship with a guy, but at the same time I wanted it so bad – being with him made everything feel just right.
I couldn't stop thinking about how Jonas, Eva or others would react. How the whole school would just keep looking at me. Both mom and dad are strictly religious, something like homosexuality would most certainly be absolutely unacceptable with them.
But could I really do it? Could I pretend for the rest of my life? Spend it with a woman whom I wouldn't be attracted to, not have any feeling for? I was just so clueless. The anxiety was always-present, it felt like a permanent grip on my chest, tightening until I couldn't breathe. I was choking and my heart was racing like crazy. Everything was just so completely different.
Chris' dad parked the car in front of my house, telling Chris to carry me inside while he went for my parents. I refused his help and, though it hurt like hell, got out of the car on my own.
“Isak, just let me help,” he said, looking at me worriedly, but I just gestured at him with my hand to shut up and leave me be.
I leant against the car and waited until my father opened the door. Once he saw me standing there, barely holding onto the car with pain written all across my face, he crossed the distance quickly and tried to help me stand.
“What happened to you?” he asked, concerned. I didn't have it in me to answer, all my focus was on walking without it hurting too badly.
Soon I was sitting on my bed, along with Chris, while both of our dads were in the living room, quietly discussing what happened. Silence fell upon my room, and it was the weird, unpleasant kind. I had no intention to speak to him at all. I was ashamed about what happened at his place, ashamed of absolutely everything.
“Isak?” he asked, laying his hand on my thigh but I shook it off. “What's wrong?”
What's wrong? Did he really just ask me that?
“I… I don't know,” I sighed deeply, my voice breaking. “Everything is so different and I have no idea what's going on, why is it happening, how I feel about it… How I should feel about it,” I let out throughout the sobs, each one like a sharp pain in my chest. Everything was so new, I could barely recognise myself.
“If this is all a game, tell me now,” I said, avoiding his eyes. Chris kneeled in front of me, looked me in the eyes and said, “It's not a game. Please, believe me.”
I don't know how long we'd been looking at each other. Everything else was a blur, except for the two of us. Time, our parents, it all disappeared. It was just us, and when he kissed me, I didn't think about others' opinion, I didn't think about anything at all. Everything felt right again.
“I'll be right here, with you, every day, okay? We need to be together,” he said sweetly while we were cuddling on my bed. The words felt surreal, coming out of his mouth, but it really was him, saying it.
“Chris? You alright? Don't you have a fever or something?” I joked, touching his forehead and doing my best to look genuinely worried. Both of us burst out laughing, but the pain in my chest forced me to cut it out.
“I mean it. Both of us are going through the same thing and we need to be together in order to not drive ourselves insane.” He kissed the back of my head and I smiled lazily.
“It's all so weird, Chris. With you, I feel like everything is right, but then I start thinking about what we're doing and it tears me in two. What we are doing, it's so strange.” I kept drawing rings on his chest with my finger, letting myself relax in the movement and noting that it seemed to have the same effect on him.
“We shouldn't think about it if it makes us feel bad. If being together means that we get to feel good, then it's obvious that we need to be together. As much as we could, and with time, it'll start to feel normal. You know what I mean? This whole thing is so new and we have no idea what we're doing but we'll figure it out, soon.”
“Chris, I never thought I'd say this, but I have no idea what I'd do without you,” I said, smiling gently as I kissed him. I felt the warmth of emotions – safety, content, love – wash over my body. Chris kept one hand in my hair while the other was safely tucked around my waist.
“So, what's next?” I asked a question that's been on my mind the whole time.
“I'm not ready to go out with this,” he admitted.
“Yeah, me neither. But what are we gonna do?”
“I think we should just act the same as before at school. I know it hurts you but… what would hurt me is if the whole school started talking about me being gay when I don't even know that a hundred percent myself. I'll keep dating my girlfriend and you should probably find one for yourself, too.” He gave me a smile, making it sound like it was easy. Not only would I have to act like we were nothing, but I'd also have to watch him kiss and hold hands with his girlfriend.
“Hey, Isak,” he lifted my chin up, smiling sadly. “None of it will be real, okay? It's just temporary, so that we could figure out if this thing between us is just a flare or if we honestly have feelings for each other. I'll be with you all the time, every day.”
All of it sounded crazy but it also made kind of sense. And so, when Chris was leaving, he didn't let me go to sleep sad again. He left with a soft smile that belonged only to me and so, finally, I could fall asleep feeling nothing but happiness.
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